Expressing my feelings here is something that would really help me improve as a person.

I see myself as an owl.
As i was growing up i was afraid of the dark, but now i prefer darkness.
Going out in the dark for a walk is a great feeling when surrounded by nature.
The thing i like the most? there are less people outside at night...
Black is all I feel, so this is how it feels to be free

“Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.” ~ Robin Williams (1951-2014)


3 days until my birthday.I'm turning 20, but can't even feel excited for a second, guess its just going to be like any other day of the year,
that year in which i did nothing positive for myself, like usual. I have 2 tests in that day, how cool is that!?

Almost 2 months since i made my neocities website. I can say I feel way better than before. Feels like i've grown up during that period - both spiritually and mentally.
Can't deny 2019 was not bad at all. I still have panic attacks but they occur way less than they used to.Physically i feel weak - maybe i should start going to the gym in 2020.
I worked and made my own money this summer - for the first time during my meaningless existence.Been feeling like a weight for my parents lately so i had to take things in my own hands.
I've met some good people online - people i can call friends. Honestly, i have more trustable online friends than in real life, how ironic.
I leave this unfinished but im really tired.



Depression kicked back in, feel like its stronger than ever. Ive never been that moody, feeling so exhausted and done with life while only 19.
But I dont really want to end it, i have almost everything materially but my soul is almost empty.
Ive lost all my confidence, being overweight for so long fucked up my mentality.
Even though i pretend to be a person who doesnt care what others think about him i feel embarrased and ashamed from my looks.
My friends are nowhere to be seen - just muppets - 90% of them are morons thinking only about themselves.
I Cant find new friends because i simply cant fit in the so called modern society because i dislike it, i spit in its face,
i feel all alone, like no one can understand or support me but in the same time i distance myself from people because they are the most evil creature on the planet.
My university work is falling apart and i feel helpless there - time passes by and exams are around the corner, i didnt learn anything at fucking all.
Video games helped me a lot during my worst, but now ive lost all my passion towards them.
I love competitive games and now im just getting stomped every single time, while performing poorly.



There must be something wrong with me. What happens is very odd.
I forget everything for some reason.My mind is completetely blank.
I forget about things i've done like hours ago.
I forgot everything i've learnt during my first year at uni.
Even mechanics in games i use to play on daily basis for years.
sometimes i feel like i play a completely new game
Lately the music have been only noise to me, i can't focus on the lyrics honestly

and this is something that terrifies me - losing my love for music.



I've been thinking a lot about life lately.
Honestly I don't see myself living after 35.I just know it deep inside.
Its something that hasn't bothered me by any means though.
I'm living very unhealthy lifestyle, i guess i'm gonna pay for it sooner or later.
meanwhile, world pollution increases every single day and food quality worsens at the same time too.
I consider myself lucky because my family produces vegetables and raise animals,
so buying food from the market doesn't happen every day (unless essentials like bread)

"Whatever happened to the young man's heart?
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart"



Death can be described as the end
The end of the road.its inevitable
The end of the cycle, the cycle of life...
But yet there is no scientific answer what happens after death.Possibilities are many.
i guess we get born again.Well, i sincerely hope i'm wrong.i hope afterlife exists.
so many people who are dearly missed, people we wanted to meet,family members we wanted to talk to
at least one more time - they are all gone forever.the pain of being separated with those we
love cannot be described.I hope we get to meet them again

People shouldn't be afraid of death.its just how this world works
you can die anytime, so if you're in constant fear of death what life are you living?
you either live your life to the fullest or waste a given opportunity

suicide has become a very common thing lately
i can relate to those who took their lives just to stop their suffering
anxiety,depression,isolation,bullying - the silent killers
making this decision must've been so hard for the individual,
knowing that you're never gonna see your family and friends ever again,heartbreaking.
some might say its egoistic - but in reality they just want to escape the cage they're locked in

This world has gone evil and its getting worse every single day,
but why is mental health still overlooked?



The beginning...

I've been feeling melancholic for the past couple of days, more and more information keeps getting inside my head, its about to explode
I lost interest in everything. I keep thinking about Sol Pais, she's on my mind all the time.Reading her story made me look at life from a different perspective.
Life is a gift.We have dreams,we also have our own struggles.But thats life, we can't succeed without fighting our own demons.You are your worst enemy.
Life is temporary though.Everything comes to an end, so its better to live life to the fullest.Dealing with mental issues is no easy task, but if you have proper support you will win the battle.

I'm that guy who is not very social, the type who prefers staying at home either playing video games or listening to music.My story sounds dull, doesn't it.
I've been struggling with mental issues since my teens.Depersonalization fucked up my social life.It came randomly and changed my life forever.
I was feeling insecure, lost, anxious all the time, but I felt safe at home.I stopped going out with friends, instead I started playing video games for 6+ hours a day.
That feeling, like nothing around you is real and you're in a film wtih your heart about to burst into pieces- awful.Everything around you is blurry, like you're losing your mind.
I never shared that experience with anyone, even my relatives because I was scared that they will think im crazy.
Constant struggle it was, but I kept opposing it and during my last year in high school things got better.I'm happy that my graduation went perfect.But I was never the same.
During my worst I wanted to end it all, but I just couldn't.I'm happy for having such a lovely family.They were the only reason I haven't hurt myself yet. I didn't want to make them sad.
I'm afraid of losing my relatives.This will be the hardest test for my mentality.
Watching young souls lose battle with their demons, young souls,getting killed, young souls dying from poverty surely breaks my heart.That's not how life should work, but thats reality

what is life?whats the meaning of life?
whats my purpose in life?how did i come here?
where was i before waking up in this body?

why do we have feelings? can't i just be like a robot
and work,work,work until my batteries die
actually why are we dying at first?
can't we just live eternally?

why am i supposed to deal with all my problems
instead of having none

why am i blaming myself for not helping someone
who is already gone and never knew that i existed

what happens when we die?
Do we meet our loved ones?
I hope we do...

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English isn't my native language and I'm sorry for all the mistakes