TL;DR(I won't judge you, my poetry skills are non-existent and this will bore you to death because its illogical).
19yo from Bulgaria.I like expressing my thoughts, not very creative as you can see,bad poetry skills but im learning new stuff every day, i love music from the 90's and 90's in general.been dealing with mental issues for years.
If you want to contact me or feel even a little bit suicidal feel free to add me, im always ready to help you feel better! You can find me on Steam, Skidrom#5415 on Discord.Recently I created an account on Last.fm so I can store quality music for dark days.
my life is basically a battle between me and my own demons of depression and anxiety. the feeling that you're just floating in a room thinking that death's coming - thats how i explain the so called depersonalization maybe im not like the others.i always thought i differ from my classmates. i thought my way of thinking was unique. feeling unsafe at your own home.feeling that you're not yourself. obsessed with the feeling that nothing is real. i still pretend to be a bright and happy person.im afraid of my relatives reaction when they see whats behind that mask. a kid locked in a cage. "The man's beside himself, man's below himself Man's behind himself, Am I inside myself"
I had a trouble-free childhood.I am grateful for having such caring parents.
I used to be so communicative and had many friends.We played a lot.
A healthy kid with careless childhood. What could possibly go wrong i once told myself.
As puberty began I started getting random panic attacks.I was afraid of going out.I felt safe at home.
I ruined many friendships by refusing to go out with my friends like I used to. I isolated myself from them.
Video games were here when no one else was.I fell in love with them.
I played a lot for a year or two which led to me gaining weight.It was embarrasing.
As time went by I got depressed.I searched on the web about my panic attacks and the weird feeling of being disconnected from the world.
The most accurate answer I found : Depersonalization . I wouldn't call it a mental illness but a mental state of mind.
Meanwhile, my vision worsened so I started waring glasses. I fell inlove with a girl from school but she rejected me.
To be honest, I thought that I just have to end my miserable life.
The only thing that stopped me was the fact that I didn't want to hurt my family.I didn't want to be an egoist.
I always put my family's health first.I am ready to die for them just so they can be okay.
I discovered the real music.The music you can relate to.The thing that kept me going. I improved my grades.
I started socializing a bit more often, i just wanted to make my parents happy.That was the most important thing in my life.
Time went by, currently im soon to be 20, a computer science student.Life is still rough but I have to keep going.
It is still miserable. My mind is still a mess.
I never got touched by a girl. But i don't care at all.Those things are meaningless in my eyes.
English isn't my native language and I'm sorry for all the mistakes